Personal Post

"Future Heap Owner" (aperiodic) 12/10/2018 at 21:45 • Filed to: Millenial snowflake crybaby

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Warning: bummer-ass bummer- time personal life waah-waahs after the jump.

It’s been four days since the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with told me she was leaving. I spent most of the weekend with friends and held up... okay. B ut now that it’s the workweek again I’m back to trying to hold it together at work and focus on that,   but still failing a few times a day and needing to go into the bathroom or take a walk and cry a little bit.

It’s hard because I was taken so completely by surprise. It’s hard because we’ve spent so long together (5 and a half years) that I can barely remember life before her. It’s hard because nearly everything reminds me of her. But, honestly, I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Yet still, four days later, and the first thing I do when I get home is have a massive sobbing cry.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? How long did it take before the pain wasn’t so constant and intense?

Thanks for reading through my emotional venting. Have a harlequin Porsche, care of 4-years-ago Oppo:

jimz > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:08

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Nope, been single my entire life (so far.)

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:09

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Let me know if there is anything I can personally do to help. kentratke@gmail.com

I wish you lived closer or that I had more to contribute.

Just remember, you will get through it and there are other people out there that care about you.

CB > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:09

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I’m sorry to hear about that. And thing is, it won’t be easy or short. My advice is try to do you things, try to see friends, maybe talk to a professional if it last more than a few months. Try to adjust life to a “you” routine. And most importantly, take care of yourself, man.

Merfthemadmauler > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:10

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Yes, it was 13 years,still think of us 3 years later,but life rolls onward.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:15

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Well i spent three years with my last girlfriend, ended very abruptly and honestly...I just didn’t even think about it. I buried my head into work, picked up different projects, ditched old habits, started new hobbies, hell I even emptied my closet. I changed the old me and it really helped me get through it all.

If you ever need someone to talk to or wanna window shop cars, shoot me an email.

justin.emerson@wholesaleinc.com

wafflesnfalafel > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:16

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M y absolute hardest breakup was just before I met the woman I ended up marrying, (no sh!t, not kidding.)  And you are totally right about it hurting more than expected.  Take it easy sir.  Buy a lotto ticket.  

Merfthemadmauler > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:16

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Also a good rockabilly song- Galaxie 500 by The Reverand Horton Heat.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:18

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Been there, done that. It took another couple of short relationships to get over the one that crushed me, but looking back, I’m glad I did. I uprooted myself, changed plans, destroyed friendships, and followed her to another town before it happened. What I learned: she was a bit crazy, too young for our relationship, and way too immature, even though I thought she was ready. I guess that means I was too immature too.

I also learned that the old adage about two years is about right. After two years if you aren’t ready to commit, it’s time to quit. It’s also about the amount of time it takes to get over something traumatic, whether it’s a relationship or the loss of a loved one (in this case, my mom). Almost two years after the crazy one, I met my future wife. Two years later, I asked her to marry me.

Yeah, two years. 

smobgirl > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:18

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Ugh, that really sucks. You know how you eventually forget how awful a hangover is (until the next one)? I don’t think you ever forget that sort of pain. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling or even antidepressants if there’s a chance it could help - sometimes people feel like they need to feel all of the pain, and if that’s your choice that’s fine, but sometimes a little kick can help you recenter your new life. I wish you a ll the best and please know  we’re all here for you.

functionoverfashion > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:19

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There will be good days and bad, good moments and bad, but the bad will be fewer and further between, while the good will slowly take over.

I have a lot more to say about this I’m just not sure how much is appropriate to share ... eh. Take care and keep your head up.

One day, this will be in the past. 

Chariotoflove > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:21

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Not a cry baby. This is a monumental life change, and if you don’t mind me projecting, I’d likely feel betrayed under these circumstances. Cry when you need to and lean on routine, and friends when you need to, until you get your equilibrium again. 

Future Heap Owner > CB 12/10/2018 at 22:22

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Thanks. I’ll try.

Future Heap Owner > TheRealBicycleBuck 12/10/2018 at 22:23

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Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s... not what I wanted to hear, but it makes sense.

Future Heap Owner > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/10/2018 at 22:24

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Thanks Justin. Am I remembering right that you’re in the Portland area too?

Future Heap Owner > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 12/10/2018 at 22:24

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Thanks CofL. On the bright side, I’ll probably be making the spring PNW Oppo cruise now!

TheRealBicycleBuck > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:25

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Glad to share. Hope it helps. As they say, time heals all wounds. 

Future Heap Owner > jimz 12/10/2018 at 22:25

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Planning on keeping it that way?

nermal > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:26

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Yep .

The good news is that things will get better. The bad news is that it never goes away, you will eventually need to move on from your current  shocked state to a state of acceptance.

The mind has a funny way of looking back on the past in an optimistic light. You’ll remember the good times fondly but seem to completely overlook the bad times, including the time where she dumped you out of the blue.

Work on you. Be selfish for once. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but that she wasn’t on board with. Find a passion in life and pursue it. Once you break through the sadness to the point that you are good with you and enjoying life, you’ll find that you are a bazillion times more attractive to other people. It takes time .

Don’t let an opportunity to shag her mum pass you by though. Or her friends.

Future Heap Owner > Merfthemadmauler 12/10/2018 at 22:29

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Ouch. One of the things I’ve been trying to remind myself is that , even though it was my longest relationship and a good amount of my adult life, other people have had far worse breakups and lost a lot more.

Future Heap Owner > wafflesnfalafel 12/10/2018 at 22:30

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Thanks, I’ll do my best

Not buying that lotto ticket tho

Future Heap Owner > Merfthemadmauler 12/10/2018 at 22:31

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I’ll check it out. My current inclination is to put on Elliott Smith, which is *not* a good idea.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:31

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Man i wish, it’s probably warmer there than it is in NJ right now

Future Heap Owner > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/10/2018 at 22:32

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It’s definitely comfortably above freezing. I’m  not even wearing gloves!

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:33

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Not saying I’m jealous, but it was sub 30  when I woke up this morning and hit maybe 36 today; it’s currently 27 degrees out...

Future Heap Owner > nermal 12/10/2018 at 22:37

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T his is the first major  loss that I’ve ever had to experience in my (very lucky) life. I’ve heard people talk about how loss of a loved one puts a hole in your heart that’s never filled, it only gets easier to ignore with time. Usually they’re talking about death, but I understand that a lot better now than ever before.

Future Heap Owner > smobgirl 12/10/2018 at 22:39

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Thanks. Counseling might not be a bad idea. All the kind words on here help, too.

Future Heap Owner > nermal 12/10/2018 at 22:42

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Also I’ve always been a big proponent of taking a long time between relationships and focusing on being  the kind of person you’d want to date rather than focusing on dating, so I don’t plan on getting back in the game for a while. But even that sounds kind of surreal right now.

Future Heap Owner > Chariotoflove 12/10/2018 at 22:45

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Thanks, Cutter John.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:46

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Been there. Done that. Like most people my age . Fortunately and amazingly...only once.

The pain and aggravation dissapates quickly enough if you make the effort to not wallow in it...just accept that it has happened and there’s nowt you can do about it.

However, one thing that is worth reflecting on is your role in her decision and whether there is anything there you might want to deal with before you find yourself tangled up with another person.

Future Heap Owner > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/10/2018 at 22:48

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Oof. Getting any of that snow that’s hitting North Carolina?

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:49

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Nothing yet, we got smacked a few weeks ago out of no where though. I’m hoping for a dry christmas, but i fully expect to be buried by the time santa arrives

Future Heap Owner > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 12/10/2018 at 22:51

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Hoo boy, am I good at reflecting on my role in this, and what I could work on . Probably a little too good.

Future Heap Owner > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/10/2018 at 22:52

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A dry Christmas?! What a grinch!

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 22:53

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I use to live in NYC, where snow meant death to getting anywhere. I hate snow...but love thr holidays

Future Heap Owner > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/10/2018 at 22:58

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I grew up in Minnesota,  and my birthday wish was always for snowfall by then (the third week of Nov). Of course, our snow-removal infrastructure was so good that I never had a snow day growing up (but did have an “it’s too cold you might die” day)

atfsgeoff > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 23:00

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You should celebrate your new-found freedom

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Future Heap Owner 12/10/2018 at 23:51

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I couldnt handle that...i hate the snow...I wish florida wasn’t insane otherwise id move there in a heartbeat

Future Heap Owner > atfsgeoff 12/11/2018 at 00:00

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Can’t really imagine celebrating right now.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 12/11/2018 at 00:04

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I too am a propotent of "progress or pull the plug." Coincidentally, my wife and I got engaged two years after we started dating.

Tristan > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 00:23

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I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. It sunk me to a deep, dark place. I eventually completely gave up on finding love and accepted that I would just be alone for the rest of my life, and I was finally completely okay with it. Then about five minutes after I finally found peace and accepted it and stopped looking, I met the woman I now call my wife. When I look back at the heartaches and failed relationships, I just think “if only I had known what was waiting for me”.

Chin up. It sucks hard, but you’ll find someone better- even if it’s just a better you. Just don’t let the hurt build a wall around your heart.

I’m gonna go shower now... I don’t like getting all mushy. 

Future Heap Owner > Tristan 12/11/2018 at 00:29

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Thanks, Tristan. I appreciate your getting mushy for me.

L et’s not make a habit of it, though.

Tristan > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 00:43

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You can count on that! :)

interstate366, now In The Industry > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 00:58

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Same thing happened to me earlier this year . I’m still struggling, even though I’ve tried absolutely everything to try to help. Nothing has worked, at least not for more than a few days. Hopefully it goes better for you than it has for me.

Future Heap Owner > interstate366, now In The Industry 12/11/2018 at 01:02

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I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it starts getting better for you in the new year.

AM3R, lost another burner > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 01:09

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Take it day by day man. Focus on at least 1-2 positive things that happen everyday. Maybe an old friend checked up on you, or you beat traffic leaving work. Just write down a good thing that happens everyday on the notes app on your phone and keep track of the good. Hit the gym, better yourself so you can feel better. Cry, let it out. Talk about it. But remember that the sun always comes up the next morning. You gotta keep moving. You’ve got lots of life ahead of you, don’t spend all of it wallowing on heartbreak. 

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 01:10

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I said reflect . Not blame and self loathe!!! Go into it looking forward rather than despairing 'oh but what if I...'

Rico > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 01:17

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Me and a my girl of 4+ years split a year ago and this past year being single has been hands down the best year of my life after 21. I’ve been through a big break up before and knew exactly what to do to move forward. I decided to hit the gym and got a new wardrobe , feel better about how I looked and finally opened myself to all the freedom I n ow had.

This year me and my best friends took two vacations with another one planned this Wednesday to Miami and the Carribean. The freedom (and fu nds) to do WHAT I want, WHEN I want, and HOW I wanted to do it was incredible. Gone we re the days of needing to consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings before I did something, no more trying to ask if it would be okay to do x,y,z or getting into an argument for not asking. If my friends called me at 12 AM to pull up to a lounge or party I can just get up and go.

I “ found myself” in a way I had never imagined and my quality of life is much better for it. My conscience was clear in that I did what I could to keep her happy and in the end we weren’t right for each other. I’ve been with so many great women (both platonic and not platonic) in the past year that I realized that there truly are many more fish in the sea. I don’t have any hate towards my ex and now that I’m above the clouds I’m actually glad things turned out the way they did. You’ll get past this and you’ll wonder why you wasted your time sulking at all. Just remember this: she isn’t sulking in despair  and you giving in is her winning, prove to yourself that she did not crush you but rather she freed you from the chains that were holding the real you back.

RPM esq. > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 01:19

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The daily breakdowns will fade pretty quickly. Sure, you’re still going to find yourself facing some raw emotion from time to time for a while, and there’s no shame in having a nice private blubber to provide some catharsis.

The biggest immediate change you’ll notice is more time to yourself, and that can be incredibly valuable if you don’t spend it moping. Focus on taking care of yourself, on the hobbies you’ve neglected, on your health, on your career, or whatever else is important to you; if this has brought to light some things you need to work on about yourself, good, work on self-improvement. Dwelling on the past and on the pain, in and of themselves, doesn’t help anything. Spending your newfound spare time working on an enjoyable present and a healthy future does—some morning you’ll wake up and you won’t be mourning the past any more, and hopefully you’ll have some better perspective on the breakup specifically and on your life generally.

In the year I spent single after over 10 years of not-singlehood, I read a ton, I got better at a hobby I enjoy , I spent quality time with my sister, and I worked hard on addressing the root causes of my worst habits. I’m a better, happier person for all those things. My ex spent a lot of time practicing a sport she enjoys that she had neglected and on growing her business, and I know she’s happier for that as well.

Future Heap Owner > AM3R, lost another burner 12/11/2018 at 01:21

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Thanks, these are good suggestions.

AM3R, lost another burner > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 01:24

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Glad I could help. I went through something kinda  similar last year. As cliche as it sounds, I promise it gets better. I’m doing amazing right now in all aspects of life... far better than last year. So you may feel down in the gutters right now, but I promise you everything will be totally better with time. 

Future Heap Owner > RPM esq. 12/11/2018 at 01:24

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Thanks RPM. I do have some hobbies I’m looking forward to spending some more time on.

Future Heap Owner > AM3R, lost another burner 12/11/2018 at 01:27

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Yeah, I know that it will... but I have no idea how quickly. Need to take things a day at a time for now.

Future Heap Owner > Rico 12/11/2018 at 01:37

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Thanks for the pep. S he did improve me in a lot of ways I would probably not have improved on my own, but there are other ways I could improve that will be easier now that she’s gone

random001 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 12/11/2018 at 07:36

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Heads up, now I’m going to contact you.  Truck bro’s for lyfe!  heh.

random001 > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 07:47

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Whoo, boy.  Do I have stories for you.  I can tell you what not to do, from experience.  If you want to talk about it, let me know, I’ll get you a contact.  I’ve been through some stuff...

LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/11/2018 at 08:18

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Yeah, Florida is crazy, I ruled it out when we moved. That’s why you should move to the non-mountain areas of North Carolina where we . . . almost . . . never . . . get snow. You know what, never mind.

nermal > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 09:18

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This is relevant:

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 09:33

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I hate that you’re going through this. It’s definitely hard to do right now, but it may help your mindset to consider how much worse it would have been if she’d stuck around for a few more years and there were a marriage and a kid or two added to the mix to further complicate things.

Keep your head up. It will get better. 

Future Heap Owner > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/11/2018 at 11:13

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Thanks. It’s true that it’s better to happen  now than even a year from now.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 11:25

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...or even a week from n ow. It sucks, but if it’s going to happen, better to get the “suck” over with and start moving past it.

Duck Duck Grey Duck FTMFW! > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 12:08

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It’s going to take a while. Just do what you can to stay busy. Possibly work on getting rid of things that remind you of her. Stay the hell off Facebook because photos. Cry. It's gonna suck for a long time. Try to find a new hobby. Something you wanted to do but didn't maybe have the time. 

Future Heap Owner > Duck Duck Grey Duck FTMFW! 12/11/2018 at 13:00

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Thanks. At least Oppo is my only social media, so I won’t be randomly shown photos of her while trying to goof off. Pretty much everything in my house & life reminds me of her, though.

MattHurting > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 13:43

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Gonna chime in here with another suggestion about possibly talking to a therapist; they really can help you through some shit. And anti de pressants can also be helpful to get through some wounds.

Ain’t no shame in either of these; do what you need for self care.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 16:04

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My 8 year marriage feel apart a couple years ago. It was hard at the time. For a while. But I’m much better off for it now. Some fancy (not expensive, just nicer than I was used to) new clothes and some good tinder dates went a long way in cheering me up. Let me know if you need /want to grab a drink sometime.

Duck Duck Grey Duck FTMFW! > Future Heap Owner 12/11/2018 at 16:19

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Lol yeah, Oppo is my main social as well. Maybe re- organize the inside of your house. Possibly paint. New furniture. Make it your own instead of what was yours and hers.

jimz > Future Heap Owner 12/14/2018 at 12:43

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moar liek “not planning on changing anything.”